Thursday, October 8, 2009

LDS Humor

You might be Mormon if ...

… all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape.
… you postdate your checks while shopping on Sunday.
… you believe Heck is the place for the people who do not believe in gosh.
… your mom was pregnant at your sister’s wedding reception.
… you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups.
… at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor’s house.
… you’ve ever written a “Dear-John” to more than two missionaries at the same time.
… yo
u were frustrated when your son “only” got accepted to Harvard.
… you have one kid in diapers and one on a mission.
… you have never arrived at a meeting on time.
… you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries.
… you’ve already got your order for volume 50 of “The Work and The Glory”.
… you think it is all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing
… you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you’re disciplining.
… you arrive to an activity and hour late and you are the first one there.
... if you've ever referred to a friend as your "Companion."
... if you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or coworkers as brother or sister.
... if you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies."
... if you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."
... if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society.
... if you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen.
... if you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
... if you've ever refused a coke although it's 105 degrees outside.
... if you have ever called your Bishop "Heavenly Father" when having a meeting with him over your problems.
... you know what Mormon standard time means and arrive a 1/2 hour late
... received baby clothes at a bridal shower and didn't need them, but you were really excited to get them
... if you have to lock your car in the church parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants
... if you've ever used the words: fetch, flip, dang, crud, shoot or oh-my-heck.
... if while teaching a lesson in Relief Society meeting, you've ever apologized for not preparing a center piece.
... if, while teaching a lesson in Priesthood meeting, you've ever apologized for not preparing a lesson
... you know the home teachers will visit the last day of the month
... if the employees at the local scrap booking and/or craft store know your first name
... you have actually eaten funeral potatoes
... somewhere in your family tree is a polygamist
... you have a bumper stick that says 'families can be together forever'
... you were an aunt or uncle before you were 3
... your spouses mother was pregnant at your wedding
... your family considers a trip to McDonalds a night out
... you consider a temple recommend a credit reference
... at least 2 of your salad bowls are at homes of your neighbors
... there's a similarity between a ward basketball game and an LA riot
... you think Jack Daniels is a country singer
... you can make jell-o salad without a recipe
... you've heard about a BYU game in a testimony meeting
... you have at least 2 gallons of ice cream in the freezer at all times
... almost every girlfriend you know owns a minivan or a huge SUV
... you make a toast with red punch or sparkling apple cider at your wedding
... you have more raw wheat stored than some third world countries
... your idea of a wild party is a six pack of root beer and a PG-13 movie
... you think "your a 10 cow wife" is a compliment
... if you have more than one Ward Cookbook in your collection.
... if you dressed up as the pioneer children and walked and walked and walked to get to a pioneer picnic...
... if you can spell Genealogy correctly
... if one of the cookbook in your collection is titled, "100 Jello Recipes"
... if you have received a business solicitation from a salesman who is using the ward list as a call sheet
... if you have difficulty calling your old Bishop by his first name after he has been released.
... you know someone who turned down MIT for a scholarship at BYU
... Every time you meet a non-Mormon, their parents are 12 years older than yours.
... you know that the Word of Wisdom just applies to "hot drinks," so Diet Coke is 100% OK or you know that the Word of Wisdom applies to ALL Caffeine, so Diet Coke is NOT OK.
... you have a cousin who tried to go on 31 dates with 31 different girls in August.
... you shock and awe non-Mormons by telling them about how many people you know who were married within a year of getting back from their missions
... you expect to hear people begin any kind of public speech with "So I was in my garden, and Bishop so-and-so came walking by. I tried to hide, but it was too late..."
... you've dated a girl whose mom cared more about whether or not you were going on a mission than whether or not you were going to college
... you've ever had a really really awkward object lesson about the law of chastity
... you've ever had one of your neighbors spontaneously drop off an entire well cooked dinner because they heard you were having a tough week
... you actually GET these jokes and share them with the rest of your ward friends.


The Minnesota Preators said...

Very Funny Marley...thanks for the laugh!